As many know, I’m editing the second book in the Castle Keepers series Scattered Stones. When I began, the fantasy novel contained 161,435 words. It currently sits at 160,522 words. My goal is to reduce the novel to below 150,000.

To reach this goal, unnecessary words need to go. To do this, I evaluate each sentence. This is a long process, and after 13 days, I’ve completed only 63 of 271 pages. Mind you, I only get to work on these edits about two hours a day.

This morning, as I worked on a paragraph, I got lazy—blame it on the late nights and early mornings. I let a few ‘was’ words slide without putting in effort to see if I could eliminate them. Not all ‘was’ words should be removed; there is a place for them, but laziness isn’t that place.

So I forced myself to rewrite a paragraph that contained two ‘was’ words and its mate ‘were’. Below is the process I went through—I do this when I encounter a few ‘was’ words or when I feel a few sentences need major changes within a paragraph.

In the steps below, the first is the paragraph I had originally written. It is for the main character Bronwyn Darrow. The scene takes place immediately after a deadly attack on The Trail. Before the battle came upon them, he and Alaura of Niamh were doing ‘other things’, including being thrown in a cold mountain lake.

The two sentences being revised are underlined.

Original Paragraph

“She does. Maybe herb harvesting and preparation are family traditions.” Bronwyn fastened the top three buttons on Alaura’s trousers. A short time ago, his thoughts were fixed on getting her out of her clothing; now his only desire was to keep her safe from the unknown forces threatening to take her away. He considered changing her wet clothes, but it was vital they get away from the area as quickly as possible.

The Dissected Paragraph

I use different colour font to make the two new sentences I’m working on stand out. I keep the original sentences to ensure I don’t forget what needs to be said. This version is not intended to be good writing. I’m looking for the basic sentence structure without ‘was’ that I can build on in the next stage.

“She does. Maybe herb harvesting and preparation are family traditions.” Bronwyn fastened the top three buttons on Alaura’s trousers. A short time ago, his thoughts were fixed on getting her out of her clothing; now his only desire was to keep her safe from the unknown forces threatening to take her away. He considered changing her wet clothes, but it was vital they get away from the area as quickly as possible.

A short time ago, his consuming thoughts fixated on getting her out of her clothing; now keeping her safe from unknown forces threatening to take her away drove his desires. He considered changing her wet clothes, but knew it to be vital they get away from the area as quickly as possible.

Almost There Paragraph

“She does. Maybe herb harvesting and preparation are family traditions.” Bronwyn fastened the top three buttons on Alaura’s trousers. A short time ago, his thoughts raced wildly, thinking only about getting her out of her clothing; now his thoughts dwelt on keeping her safe from unknown forces threatening to take her away. He considered changing her wet clothes, but delaying their departure from the attack area could bring more danger.

Completed Paragraph

“She does. Maybe herb harvesting and preparation are family traditions.” Bronwyn fastened the top three buttons on Alaura’s trousers. A short time ago, his mind had raced wildly, focussed only on getting her out of her clothing. His thoughts now dwelt on keeping her safe from unknown forces threatening to claim her. He considered changing her wet clothes, but delaying their departure from the attack site could bring more danger.

Compare the Sentences

Original: 53 words: A short time ago, his thoughts were fixed on getting her out of her clothing; now his only desire was to keep her safe from the unknown forces threatening to take her away. He considered changing her wet clothes, but it was vital they get away from the area as quickly as possible.

New: 51 words: A short time ago, his mind had raced wildly, focussed only on getting her out of her clothing. His thoughts now dwelt on keeping her safe from unknown forces threatening to claim her. He considered changing her wet clothes, but delaying their departure from the attack site could bring more danger.

Although I saved only two words, I’m happier with the end result.

To read 300-word vignettes for the characters in Shadows in the Stone and Scattered Stones, check out Castle Keepers Vignettes on my Diane Lynn McGyver Blog.